This is an incomplete post that I started writing in June. I’ve decided to start writing again (for myself and not the usual thought pieces I write) because I’m at a low point in my mental health.
I’ve been thinking a lot about who I choose to engage in conversations with, let alone consider as a friend. I’ve done a better job in the recent year of cutting people out of my life and making an effort to meet new people.
The last couple of years has been a journey in my identity and self-esteem. I associated with people who I looked up to and thought could mentor me. I want to open up about a few individuals that damaged me, but also made me realize that I ultimately have the power to say no to people.
01000100 We brought out the worst in each other. I don’t think we ever trusted each other. I didn’t even trust myself. I felt inferior to you in so many ways, intellectually above all. I wanted to be someone you could be in awe of. Every time I tried to take my own life or hurt myself, you would say “you always do this” and ignore those pleas for help. Your binary, mathematical view of the world fed into my demons. It took me a long time to realize that you depended on me to distract yourself from your own.
01001101 I felt used by you, but I realize I used you too. I thought being around you and tolerating your misogyny, sexism, and harassment would make me feel like a good person and a worthy developer. I distinctly remember the night I was being kicked out of my mom’s house and you told me to have sex with you in a hotel room. You made me feel like I didn’t belong in my program and when I started opening up about my mental illness publicly, you chastised me for it.
There’s more people, but maybe I’ll save that for another post.