I am probably on the verge of some kind of nervous breakdown, and it is probably inappropriate of me to even write about this subject on this site. But I don’t give a fuck. I feel like there is really no effective outlet for people, especially adolescents, with mental illnesses to really show people who they are. And please, do not lecture me how I need “help” and I need to be on meds. I have been in and out of doctor’s offices since I was in high school, and it has failed me time and time again. I’m glad if it worked for you or someone you know, but it hasn’t for me. If you are just going throw around jargon without getting to know me and my story, then please leave. You should not be around other people with mental illnesses, you are doing us harm.
I am sick and tired of people at my school only talking to me if they want to compare grades, co-op placements, or answers with me. Perhaps I incorrectly portrayed myself as some type A, goody two shoes know-it-all? I apologize if I did, and I just want to set the record straight that I am absolutely not. This post isn’t meant to throw some pity party or be self-deprecating. I just feel like I have done a disservice to myself by hiding very important aspects of who I am. Also, I apologize for the swearing. I’m normally more gracious in person.
First off, I am not some kind of exam writing, grade grubbing machine. I am not top of my class or whatever “great” things you thought of me. I have failed various times and my transcript is obvious proof. For instance, I failed CS 145 because I had no idea what was going on. Is it cause I’m an Asian female that people just assume I’m really studious and incapable of failure? Is it because I did gifted or IB and all my life people have been giving me too much credit than what I deserve? Should I have chronicled my failures to everyone? Of course not, because making yourself seem weak to peers is a no-no apparently. Fellow students, can we just cut the bullshit and stop trying to outdo each other?
This brings me to my next point: I do not study all day. Maybe I would be getting the jobs or grades that are so desired by people in my program? I spend everyday dealing with my obsessions and compulsions. Crying over things that happen to me and my possessions all day. I have trouble focusing in class because I am constantly worrying about the state things that are my triggers. When I am writing exams, I get paranoid about the way I hold the pencil and how I place my stationary on a foreign desk. I can’t share my kitchen utensils with other people. I would rather dry out my eyes from wearing contact lenses too long than wear glasses. I slept with a plastic bag over my pillow for over a year, now I don’t even use a pillow. I compulsively throw things out to cope with things. I hope you get the point.
And because of that and more, I think I am a monster. I can’t get too close to people because I’m afraid they will find out who I really am. I have pushed my family out of my life and scared off countless friends. I have said horrendous things them. I have told medical professionals to go get a better job. I have made people feel like I care about material objects more than them. When I am at the lowest of lows, I run away because I want to die.
Because I am particular about the state of objects and things, I never buy myself nice things. I am afraid that my OCD ruin the enjoyment. I also have scars all over my arms and legs from compulsively pulling the hairs off it when I get too anxious or overwhelmed. If you asked me if I wanted to hang out and I said no because I was studying… guess what? I lied to you, I was probably having a panic attack and was incapable of leaving the house or going ape-shit over something people in my life have said was “illogical” or “delusional”.
I am tired of people thinking they have the right to tell me I am making no effort to “get better”. FUCK YOU. I have tried more than ever, being in university, to break out of my problems and find better coping mechanisms. When I am going through my “episodes”, everything about me becomes vulnerable. I feel like I’m having a heart attack while constantly having memories and images of things that scare me flash in front of my eyes. I annoy the fuck out of people by constantly asking them questions about things. “Do you remember where you placed this object?” “Why did you touch that?” “Do you think you failed?” “Can you retrace all of your steps?” I’ve been told I do depth-first search on everything.
I am not blaming my peers for not being sympathetic to me when I clearly didn’t share everything about myself. There is something fundamentally wrong with how our society deals with mental illness. Sure, those social media campaigns or awareness organizations look nice on paper. But there is nothing to help people deal with their demons on a day to day fucking basis and how the people around them can actually make a difference. I am tired of hiding who I am from people. I am tired of passively letting people believe I am some “exceptional” person. People are always hiding parts of themselves that deserve to be shown. Take the time to ask someone about their day and how their doing. If someone is reaching out to you, reach back. Cause one day, I guarantee, whether you are “mentally ill” on paper or not, you will need someone too.